This is an older (2021) piece I started but never finished. It started as part of a series I was working on called 100 200-word character sketches, on a private writing site. Each character was one of those sketches, and then I had them go on a date. I stumbled upon it today and to be honest I’m not sure why I’m posting it now. Mostly because I can’t tell if it actually might be done or not.
The social brand management agency had a catchy name displayed on a neon sign facing the door out to the coworking space. Some of it had stopped working so now it said “L ass”. Nobody dared make fun of it. Baron had bought the sign just last year. Baron was the owner of the agency and lacked a sense of humor when it had anything to do with him or anything associated with him. He drove a red Mercedes Benz. He blared rap music as he sped into the parking lot and always backed into his parking space.
Jeanie always knew she had a knack for the internet. She always got the most likes on Instagram out of all her high school friends and when TikTok came out when she was in college she was the first person she knew on the platform. She loved buying ads for her clients. It was a game and each new ad for a client was like a new level. She had her dashboard set up just the way she liked it in her social media manager application. She had her performance notifications set up just so.
She was the first in the office each morning and the last to leave. Even Baron left before she did.
Jimmy worked for Urinal Solutions, Inc. They didn’t just make urinal pucks. They made anti-splash mats, floor mats for in front of urinals, and those little cleaner dispensers that shoot solution into urinals when they flush. They distributed urinal parts and serviced urinals in the greater St. Louis metro area. Their shirts said “US” over the pocket. There was another shirt that said “US is US” with a little American flag next to the text. There was an old shirt that some of the old-timers still had that said “Urinals-r-US” but they hadn’t printed that one in years.
The modest factory floor smelled very clean and Jimmy enjoyed it as it seeped into the lab where he molded plastic and played with new puck compounds. It wasn’t what he imagined when he was studying chemistry in college, but here he was. He met someone at a conference once who created the solution for port-o-potties and that sounded unbearable. The company’s campus, if you could call it that, was in an industrial district that was centrally located, as these things go. It was starting to gentrify and some kind of interior design company had moved into the former door factory building next door. Jimmy’s mind often wandered to the future, where he suspected US, Inc. was squeezed out of the market by a Chinese competitor and he had to go work at Dow, DuPont, or BASF making some new chemical that would finally destroy the earth.
Jeanie swiped right. Jimmy’s name sounded like hers, she liked his dark but ethnically vague complexion. “Chemist” sounded like an interesting job.
Jimmy swiped right. Jeanie was hot. “Social brand manager” sounded like an interesting job.
They talked easily over coffee. Jimmy picked the spot, it was in the design district adjacent to the industrial area where he worked. He hoped it made him seem cool to know about such a spot. It was actually a roastery but they had a tiny coffee bar and some outdoor seating.
Jimmy was so nice, she thought. And cute. “How did you find out about this place?” she asked.
“Oh, I work right down there,” he said, regretfully.
“Oh, yeah! Where do you work? We haven’t talked about that yet.” Jeanie had talked a lot about her job already.
“Oh, it’s just a place over here.” Jimmy regretted the extra shot in his latte and his brain scrambled around for a way to misdirect the conversation.
“I got you a bag of coffee from here.” Jimmy knew it was a non sequitur but hoped for the best.
“Aw, thanks!”
“Do you have a grinder? We can have them grind it if not.”
“I don’t have a coffee maker,” she said sheepishly.
“Nothing at all? Oh, I’m sorry. I feel stupid.”
“No, no. I appreciate the gesture. I have a friend in my building who will love it. I’ll go have it with her.”
Jimmy searched for the right words but was silent. He’d never felt so awkward.
“Hey! You avoided the work question. I had just asked you where you worked and you never told me. You’re a chemist, right?”
“Yeah…sort of.”
“What do you mean, ‘Sort of’?”
“Well, I’m not inventing anything interesting. Some new fragrances, maybe.”
“Ooo! You work for a perfume company?”
“No.”
“What, then?” Jeanie’s innocent, authentic curiosity had not wavered.
Jimmy picked at the table, eyes downcast. “I work at a company…a company called Urinal Solutions.”
“NO!”
“Yes.” Jimmy knew this was the end.
“That’s amazing! You have to tell me more!”
Jimmy looked up. He would have assumed she was making fun of him, but her voice did not betray her, and now he could see in her face that she was astonished but nothing if not genuine.
“It actually smells really nice in here,” Jeanie said.
Jimmy subtly took a deep breath in through his nose. “It doesn’t smell like anything,” he said and instantly regretted contradicting Jeanie.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right!” she replied, nonplussed. “Ok, show me where the shitty stuff is!”
Much to Jimmy’s surprise, Jeanie had taken an interest in his work. He told her about the chemical compounds they used to simulate the foul odors present in public restrooms. She wanted to experience them for herself so eventually he relented and invited her for a tour.
He walked over to a row of shelving that looked not unlike a giant toolbox. He pulled open a drawer and pulled out a glass jar with clear liquid inside. He brought it over to Jeanie and loosened the top. He allowed the top to open just ever so slightly. A few seconds later the smell reached their nostrils.
“Holy shit!” Jeanie proclaimed. Jimmy closed the jar.
“I told you,” he said with a smile. “Now watch.”
He walked over to a table a few feet away and proceeded to place a few drops of the liquid in a Petri dish. Then he put that jar back into its drawer and pulled out another jar with clear liquid inside. He drew some of it out with a pipette and walked back to Jeanie. He held the Petri dish up closer to her nose and she made a face that told him she could smell it. Then he put the liquid from the pipette into the Petri dish. The smell instantly dissipated. Jeanie’s eyes widened.
“Wow!” she said.
“Pretty cool, right?” he replied. He’d never once thought of his work as cool. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly considered it so now.
“Is there real shit in that stuff?” Jeanie asked.
“No.”