I thought maybe this experience was going to make me a better person in many respects, but in particular my intolerance for certain things. Not so. In no particular order:
- People who leave voicemail. Not everyone who leave voicemails, but for example I was on a flight the other day and the guy next to me left the longest voicemail in the history of voicemails. It was so long I had to send Carissa a text message informing her of my bewilderment at his ability to monologue into a voice recording device. However, on the return flight of the same trip, another douchebag next to me, who must have become aware of the new Voicemail Message Length world record, proceeded to leave a voicemail no shorter than 10 minutes long! It was seriously unbelievable, and I had to continually challenge reality as he continued on and on.
- Related: People who have jobs that mostly involve writing emails and still hunt-and-peck type.
- People who use Twitter hashtags #stabmyself and #FML. STFU and GTFOI.
- Related: Drama Kings and Queens. Having struggled my way into a B in Evolutionary Psychology 15 years ago, I’m well aware that our lizard brain controls us for the majority of our day and our days are the most boring of all history. No tigers chasing us through the jungle, no rival tribes to compete with over food and quality mates, so we have to make our own drama to replace the lack of actual, life-threatening drama. The continued erosion of any real meaning in our lives has caused that drama to revolve around increasingly asinine subject matter.
- Your driving. Protip: hang up the fucking phone.
- Your causes. Are just more bad replacements for that tiger chasing you. If you enact real change in this world it isn’t going to be via your goddamn Facebook account.
- Your children. Honestly. They are annoying and ugly (except when they’re perfect and beautiful but really it doesn’t matter) and worst of all (and I don’t mean this in the maniacal way it will sound) still alive.
- The neighbor’s dog. He seriously will. not. stop. barking.
- Opinions other than my own.
Started this post a long time ago, but lately have spent enough time in the anger stage to finish it. I feel a little bit like I might punch Jesus if he walked up to me right now.