...

Here I am on a particularly nasty bender with my brother Dennis and my other cousin Lindsay down the shore. Later that night, Lindsay beat up a cop because she thought he stole her lipstick and Dennis disappeared for eight weeks. When he came back, he spoke Russian. It was a really strange time.

Many would say that my parents were irresponsible for letting us drink at such a young age, but I disagree. They were just cooler than your parents, you jealous bitch.